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拒绝别人时,千万不要说"sorry"!说错了更糟!

2019-01-15    澳门银河网上娱乐普特考试小助手    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

期刊Frontiers上一项关于心理学的研究发现,”当你让别人失望的时候,最好保留自己的歉意,更不要使用"sorry"这个词,这样带给别人的伤害可能小很多。“

 

什么?这还不能道歉了?!相信大家跟普大一样懵逼。

 

这件事似乎听起来就有违常理,研究该报告的作者这样说,“对不起”这个词常常会让对方觉得他们有义务去原谅你,可往往事情又没有那么简单,一句道歉并不能真正解决问题,所以这样只会让他们感觉更糟。

 

对此,研究人员选择了1000多人在不同社会场景下进行了调查。

 

First, the volunteers were told to write down what they felt was a good way to reject a hypothetical request. (For example, how would they say “no” to a date or “no” to living with your roommate next year?) Approximately 39 percent of the participants included an apology in their responses. 

 

首先,研究人员给出了一些假设,要求参与者写下如何来更好地拒绝这些请求。(例如,怎么对一场约会说“不”或者拒绝明年和舍友一起住?)大约39%的参与者在回答中都包含了道歉意味。

 

After that, the researchers turned the “no” replies on the participants. They asked the volunteers how they felt after they read a rejection letter.  

之后,研究人员把这些拒绝的书信交给另一些参与者,询问他们阅读这些之后的感受。

 

结果表明:

 

Those who had an apology in their letters reported feeling more hurt than those who just simply were rejected.

接受到对方道歉的那些人比只是单纯被拒绝的人受到的伤害更多。

 

除此之外,关于拒绝别人的时候,道歉会带来什么后果,他们做了另一项实验:

 

The study authors told participants that they were being rejected from a group experiment that involved a hot sauce taste test. Some participants received rejection letters from the group containing an apology for being excluded from the activity, and some got letters without an “I’m sorry.”

该项研究的发起人告诉参与者,他们被拒绝参加一个包含品尝辣酱测试的小组实验。一些参与者收到了来自该小组的拒绝信,信里面表达了小组对于他们不能参加这项活动的一些歉意,另一些参与者同样也收到了拒绝信,但里面并没有表达他们的歉意。 

 

The rejected participants were instructed to decide how much hot sauce the group had to taste. They also were told that the group had aversions to spicy food. Those who had an apology in their rejection letter were more likely to act out of “revenge” and give the group more hot sauce, even though they were told the group hated spicy food.  

被拒绝的这些志愿者们被告知这个实验小组要品尝多少辣酱量的决定权其实在他们手中,同时他们还被告知这组人都非常讨厌吃辣的食物。结果发现,收到的拒绝信中含有歉意的那些人更多地采取了“报复”行为,给出更多的辣酱量,尽管他们事先已经知道这个小组的人讨厌辣的食物。

 

最后,研究人员还做了一个实验,来测试带着歉意的拒绝如何影响对方原谅结果的是与否。实验结果还是:

 

The participants who watched a rejection with an apology were more likely to say they felt obligated to forgive the person saying “no” - even if that’s not what they wanted to do. 

那些被婉言拒绝的参与者们更会觉得他们有义务去原谅那个说“不”的人——即使那并不是他们想做的。

 

当然,这些结果可能无法适用于每一种情况。有些时候,真诚的道歉依旧是非常必要的。所以研究者们还需做更多的调查来研究被拒绝者的感受以及道歉所产生的影响。

 

话虽如此,但这项研究的确强调了良好的意图可能会适得其反。研究该报告的作者Gili Freedman说:

 

While an apology may be well-meaning, it can also be self-serving.

虽然道歉可能是善意的,但同时它也可能是自私的。

 

达特茅斯学院的博士后研究员Freedman在美国生活时尚杂志(Real Simple)上这样说道:

 

“If your motivation is to feel better about yourself, maybe you do want to apologize.But if you really are concerned about the other person’s feelings, know that offering an apology might not help much ― and may make them feel even worse.”

“如果你的初衷是让自己感觉更好,那你可能真的是想道歉,但如果你很在意对方的感受,那就该知道道歉其实并没有什么用,甚至会让他们感觉更糟。”(说多了都是泪~)

 

所以,大家在使用“sorry”这个词时,一定要慎重。就问你怕不怕?



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